Mental Health Maven Gifts

The Last Thing a Psychiatrist Wants to Hear When Treating a Patient with a Multi-Personality Disorder: ' Thanks, Doc! I feel like a whole new person!'

Freudian Slip.

'That's it for today. If you have any questions, ask the nurse. I can't hear a thing with these ear plugs in.'

Psychiatrist's bell-push marked depress

'Notice how much happier everyone is since I added anti-anxiety meds to our bottled water?'

'You're suffering from an identity crisis. Or I am. In any event, this exercise in role reversal is clearly going nowhere.'

Alfred Adler

'Do you mind if I take the rest of the session to get your input on investor psychology?'

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

"You've got to want to connect the dots, Mr. Michaelson."

"My previous patient thought he was a cruise missile."

'I didn't mean to go to another psychiatrist -- I was sleepwalking!'

So when I say "cracker", I guess I really mean "a general sense of fulfillment".

'I have a half-a-mind to diagnose you a schizophrenic.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome is a standard definition of insanity. It also sums up five years of therapy.

'Lots of people never had hurricanes named after them.'

'Relax, it isn't paranoia. You lawyers are truly hated.'

'That'll be $80 and for an extra $5, I'll tell you your sleep number.'

'Actually I'm more obsessive than compulsive.'...'I'm equally obsessive and compulsive.'

"It's that same old dream, the one that starts out with the axe murder."

Post-psychoanalysis

"He never heard of snake-handling. We've made great strides since Freud."

'I want you to be aware the bats in my belfry are a protected species.'

'Psychoanalysis is passé. I suggest we ask for asylum in France.'

"You think you're crazy?"

Hallucinating patient isn't really there

'Neurotic, Neurotic.'

"Have you considered alcohol?"

'Lately life's just a bed of neuroses.'

'I'm not obsessive compulsive. I just do some things obsessives do, and other things compulsives do.'

Counsellor door, with 'Depress' button.

"You bet I'm stressed, I can't stop imagining there's a poacher hiding behind every bush..."

'There's not a lot I can do for you.'

"And he's a nutritional-support animal, too."

"Honey, you're spiraling again."