Modern Humor Enthusiasts Gifts

Please give my begging a positive review on YELP.

'Put that out! -- the tribe just went smoke-free.'

'Peel is scratching himself.' - *share* - 'Ahhh!' - *like* - 'You like this.'

"Sorry kid, but making a list of who's been naughty or nice, amounts to cyber-stalking these days."

"They don't understand miles. But they do understand phone battery life. So, I'll tell them this trip is 4% of their phone battery."

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

'It's a difficult job, he needed a bigger than average 'stress ball'.'

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

Wifi in Hell

"They're comfortable."

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

Tunnel of Love/Lover's Leap.

Ahh! The sounds of nature! Peep peep. Tweet tweet! Twitter. Croak croak. Sniff sniff. Ribbit. Human nature. Twitter twitter. Tippity tap tap. Cackle cackle! Bleep bleep.

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

Mister Bundles VS. The Martians - Part Twenty Six

"Yeah, I don't like this part either."

"She wishes to range free!"

Dickens & Tolstoy Walk into a Bar: " . . . so, to make a short story long . . . "

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

Raised by Dogs

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

Stairlift around cliff face.

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!

"Congratulations. It's a chick."

Unemotional Support Animal

'I love it when you spoon me.' 'I love it when you fork me.'