Modern Catholic Gifts

Pope Francis

'It was love at first sight, although he was very pixilated and I was out of focus'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

Dawing your Cellphone

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

Wasting away again in Cappuccinoville.

Selfie Stick

"Why would I want to meet Santa? I can just go home and log onto his social media page from the comfort of my bed."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

Drive-thru Church

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

Final words on gravestones.

'Your parents are way too overprotective.'

"No, I don't play. I just watch people play on the internet."

"This is NOT what I meant when I said you kids could have more screen time."

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

"I want more than anonymous sex. I want anonymous intimacy."

R.C.I.A.

Book Worm

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

Modern Portrait Gallery

"Last week, the orioles were passing out Baltimore catechisms. This week, it's the cardinals doing baptisms."

"You have an air of Camille Paglia about you."

'In an inexplicable attack of nerves, Elliot becomes the first person ever to screw up John Cage's 4'33'.

"Congratulations, dude, and you may now play tonsil hockey with the bride."

Vocation,vocation,vocation.

'Look at all of God's children. Then again, they might be just thousands of tiny, little circles.'

'...and another thing, Holy Father, do we call them the 'Falklands' or the 'Malvinas'?'

Conclave.

John Newman

"Sometime I find it hard to believe that we found each other through regular channels."

The Pope

Vicar - Virtuous Reality

'I really do feel empowered. I should've joined a gang years ago.'