Mocktail Maestro Gifts

Garden Centre: Bonsai trolleys.

A Good Batch.

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

We'll have Manhattans...

Join me in a Martini?

"He's such a fussy eater."

A Tit for Tat.

Pull the udder one

"Try this new IPA I just finished. Let me know if the malts and hops are layered like last week's batch." "Bailey was a really 'good boy'."

Joyce could certainly handle her drink!

'Cracked nipple? But I didn't even drop you.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"Mum, why can't we just have a normal Sunday roast like other families?"

Pig and chicken asking for milk from cow, who replies: 'Sorry, I already gave at the office.'

Timmy Works with His Pet Cow

The Gong

'There are no search results for Pomeranian on the Foodnetwork.'

Two men discussing thier moustaches

"He must be a pro. He's got his own stick."

'Are you trying to tell me that neither of you get penalty rates for the 2 a.m feed?'

"Wait. Let it breathe."

'Mess with me if you have to, son, but not with the regimental moustache!'

"Another round of Shirley Temples."

How to wear a false moustache.

Bach Doubles

Don't you think you've had too many drinks?

I got you a 20th anniversary present. An iPhone charger? An actual, real gift? What's the catch? House of Java Cybercafe. No catch. For the last 20 years, you've been the best whipping boy I've ever had. You're a complete tool of the technology industry. You've been a real pleasure to mock. In fact, the last 20 years of making fun of your pathetic life has made this two rewarding decades. Plug back in, whipping boy! I will outlast you, smelly old bat!

"If you want to be more like Mom and Dad, kids, you've got to start pounding down those Shirley Temples."

Hipster Ventriloquist Convention

Higher milk production

"So how did 'DRY JANUARY' go?"

Farmer tacking up signs in Dairy barn.

'I love eating out.'

"Bartender - givish me another shot."