Misunderstanding Pillows

'Mrs. Peterson. . . Sgt. O'Leary here, I'm afraid there's been an accident and your husband is in a comma.'

'...and then, when I asked if I could see her home, she showed me a photograph of her house.'

Love at First Sight

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

'The school. My counselor told me to make the most of it...'

"My guess it's guacamole."

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

"Your assets will be frozen? Oh, boy, is it going to snow?"

'You feel awkward? You're the one who said we ought to hunt bare.'

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"I thought you meant we had a security leak."

'Wellington!...Come take a look at this!...I've never seen anything like it!...Some sort of early sun worship etching perhaps!'

"I learned that Moses partied on the Red Sea today."

"Online I said I was 'blond and curvy', I didn't say I was a woman!"

"Rayna's been kidnapped! And its all my fault!"

"We've found the problem. You folks don't own a car."

'The school counselor says I have well-developed motor skills. Will you bring me a car?'

"It's that time of year when guys randomly explode."

"I told him to trim a couple of inches off the middle and he thought it was a fat remark."

'A simple bottle would have sufficed for your specimen, Mr Thomas.'

'See! I told you my dad is a boxer!'

'I feel awful. Coach was clutching his throat and turning blue, but I thought it was the 'bunt' sign.'

"Well I say we go on without him..."

"That isn't what the doctor meant by 'push fluids'."

Laurel, you've got to find a hobby over the summer. You're my hubby. I said hobby. That's what I said. You said hubby. Really. Are you asking what I think you're asking? What's happening? This is so sudden.

"Look, told ya – it’s a Romney poster!"

"Till now I always thought of the gravy train as a good thing."

'You idiot, I said 'ark', not 'park'.'

'And here you can see one of the incredibly boring amusement park rides that were so beloved in the 20th century.'

Fred thought he was following orders when he began the war on terriers.

"My audio is okay, but my video is kind of sore"

'I sincerely thank you for your concern, but I'm only setting up a swing.'

"Are you mad at me or just chewing tobacco?"