Misunderstanding Resolution Pillows

"Your assets will be frozen? Oh, boy, is it going to snow?"

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

"I know we've had our differences in the past but if you scratch behind my ears I'll show you where the catnip is kept."

"It's all a matter of planning...."

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

"New Year's resolutions are fine, but we should really focus on squad goals."

"My new year's resolution. . . .Not to drink out of the toilet."

"I thought you meant we had a security leak."

"I thought the 'Internet of Things' was about fridges and toasters!"

"I learned that Moses partied on the Red Sea today."

"I don't have time for New Year's resolutions, I'm still working on the backlog from 1998-2000."

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

Dear Diary...Resolutions

"Well, last year I kicked gambling. . . the odds are 3 to 1 the New Year will be a good one."

"My primary challenge is to strip away the hardened carapace of societal expectations..."

"Those image resolutions are crystal clear, but it's my New Year's resolutions that are getting pretty fuzzy."

"Online I said I was 'blond and curvy', I didn't say I was a woman!"

Who am I kidding?

'Mrs. Peterson. . . Sgt. O'Leary here, I'm afraid there's been an accident and your husband is in a comma.'

'Okay I'll admit you do look foolish but on positive side you were only one letter out!'

"I'm starting my diet today."

My New Year's resolution? To come up with some resolutions for the year after next.

'I feel awful. Coach was clutching his throat and turning blue, but I thought it was the 'bunt' sign.'

"Our TV has a 'fair' feature. It knows when you've dominated the TV, so it automatically switches over to my show."

"Well I say we go on without him..."

'I know I promised to get off my backside and take up a sort once the Olympics had finished - but it ain't over yet!'

'Could you put me into an induced coma for four weeks?'

"I'm having a dry January...Dry Martini, dry sherry, dry gin..."

'...and then, when I asked if I could see her home, she showed me a photograph of her house.'

Resolutions.

"Till now I always thought of the gravy train as a good thing."

"My new years resolution is to stop belittling others...hang on and I'll ask mister two-fries-short of a Happy Meal, what his is."