Resolution Disregarder Pillows

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

"This year I resolve to embrace change."

Make your resolutions achievable.

'You can't fire me! -- This is a right-to-work state!'

"I hate this time of year."

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

'Well, there goes the last of my New Years resolutions...'

'I thought your new year's resolution was to get the monkey off your back!'

'Have you figured out our New Year's resolution?'

"Your assets will be frozen? Oh, boy, is it going to snow?"

"New Year's resolutions are fine, but we should really focus on squad goals."

"My new year resolutions were to continue eating, drinking, smoking and gambling...and I've stuck to all of them!"

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

'My whole family made New Year's resolutions. Dad's eating more fruit, Mom's eating more vegetables, and I'm eating more cake.'

Fat lady standing on a weighing machine. Its print out says 'I Quit!'.

My resolution this year? Getting in shape so I can lift my favorite snacks!

"Brian, isn't Dry January and Veganuary enough?!!"

"I don't have time for New Year's resolutions, I'm still working on the backlog from 1998-2000."

"I feel like all I did in January was work out, eat healthy, strive for meaningful and balanced relationships, and improve my sleep schedule -- thank god that nightmare's over."

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

'I'm graphing the likelihood of me keeping this New Year's resolutions based on all of my previous resolutions. It doesn't look good for me.'

'My Ed is a lawyer. All of his New Year's resolutions have escape clauses.'

'I'm here to sign up for a membership since the muscle shirt didn't work.'

'Eat. Sleep all winter. These are your resolutions?'

Realistic resolutions 1. Give up drinking (until you have a terrible day on January 7th) 2. Exercise (until you realise it is too cold and you are too tired) 3. Eat healthy food (until you remember that you love - and in fact need - an enormous plate of mac 'n' cheese)

"Passive-aggressive musical chairs." "You sit. I don’t deserve to" "I couldn’t possibly." "Maybe two of us could share." "Someone else go first." "I actually prefer standing."

"So what are you planning on giving up for New Year?"

"THIS YEAR I'M GOING TO GET IN SHAPE."

Gym Resolutions