Resolution Renegader Pillows

'I'm graphing the likelihood of me keeping this New Year's resolutions based on all of my previous resolutions. It doesn't look good for me.'

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

"This year I resolve to embrace change."

Make your resolutions achievable.

"I hate this time of year."

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

'I thought your new year's resolution was to get the monkey off your back!'

"Let's change table stakes to vacation days."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

'Have you figured out our New Year's resolution?'

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

"New Year's resolutions are fine, but we should really focus on squad goals."

'My whole family made New Year's resolutions. Dad's eating more fruit, Mom's eating more vegetables, and I'm eating more cake.'

'Mr Evans, I think we'd better reconsider our no-smoking policy.'

Fat lady standing on a weighing machine. Its print out says 'I Quit!'.

"Brian, isn't Dry January and Veganuary enough?!!"

Exams

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

'At midnight we want to move to the non-smoking section so my husband can keep his New Year's resolution.'

'My Ed is a lawyer. All of his New Year's resolutions have escape clauses.'

'Honestly you could drive a 'coach and horses' through this document, there's no definition of 'weight loss', no time frame, no sanctions.'

'Eat. Sleep all winter. These are your resolutions?'

'I'm here to sign up for a membership since the muscle shirt didn't work.'

How much for rock-hard abs? $200 for a basic six-pack, includes high-intensity training sessions. Lemme think about it. I'll be here. What's going on? The new year's resolutions are trickling in. You're working as a physical trainer now? I got into resolution outsourcing. What? People pay me to fulfill their resolutions. They vow to get in shape, or stop procrastinating, or be more honest about their feelings. I take on the task and then they check it off their list. I know what you're thinking

"So what are you planning on giving up for New Year?"

Realistic resolutions 1. Give up drinking (until you have a terrible day on January 7th) 2. Exercise (until you realise it is too cold and you are too tired) 3. Eat healthy food (until you remember that you love - and in fact need - an enormous plate of mac 'n' cheese)

Gym Resolutions

"If only he made goals all of the time instead of just at the beginning of the year."

New Year's Resolutions...

"I'm giving up giving up!"

"Any New Year's resolutions?" "I'm going to do better." "That's a nice sentiment but a little vague. Without a specific benchmark how'll you know you've met it?" "How'll I know I haven't?" "That's oddly logical." "And achievable."

"I faked your New Year's resolution."

'There goes my New Year's resolution to be a better person.'

'Every year, I make a New Year's resolution, but I never stick to it, and it's embarrassing when people ask me about it...this year I'm just going to lie through my teeth when people ask.'

'You chewed up my list of new years resolutions! Good boy!'