Resolutions Renegade Pillows

'My whole family made New Year's resolutions. Dad's eating more fruit, Mom's eating more vegetables, and I'm eating more cake.'

"I've made a list of your new years resolutions."

Hiding the electronics.

"This year I resolve to embrace change."

Make your resolutions achievable.

BLACK HOLES, the space path of least resistance.

"I hate this time of year."

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

"Let's change table stakes to vacation days."

Music Freak.

'Have you figured out our New Year's resolution?'

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

"But you told me you were on gardening leave, so why can't you come and help me in the garden?"

Female Dominance.

"Brian, isn't Dry January and Veganuary enough?!!"

'Mr Evans, I think we'd better reconsider our no-smoking policy.'

'She kept pinching the Vicar's bum!'

"When you are done exercising your finger, the cat would like to talk to you!"

Fat lady standing on a weighing machine. Its print out says 'I Quit!'.

"I want you to start thinking back inside the box."

Exams

"Why always a book report? Why not ever a TV show report?"

Hot pink (and purple) monkey love!

'I think it's fair to say we're opposed to tame sex marriage.'

"I'm not looking for Mr.Right, Just Mr. Swipe-right!"

"Where do you keep the non-educational stuff?"

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

'I'm graphing the likelihood of me keeping this New Year's resolutions based on all of my previous resolutions. It doesn't look good for me.'

'My Ed is a lawyer. All of his New Year's resolutions have escape clauses.'

"And after I'm through with this, I'll show you the exciting array of other body-piercing services we're now offering!"

'Eat. Sleep all winter. These are your resolutions?'

Leonardo Meets the I.R.S.

'Do I look as though I want to play Monopoly?'

It's 10pm. Same time it was last night at this time.

"It starts out with a standard romantic plot: Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, wins her back, Girl kills Boy, devours his head and lays eggs in his carcass. Ok, now here's the twist..."