Misidentity Enthusiast Pillows

'Sorry, I'm late, but the databank had me confused with another Arvin K Wheatley and I was questioned by the authorities about smuggling arms into Afghanistan.'

'My imaginary playmate can whip your imaginary playmate!'

A Vase has fallen on a cat's head. Are mice to blame?

"Yup, pretty sure that was a flying squirrel."

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

"Peter Parker is Spiderman! Clark Kent is Superman!! Bruce Wayne is Batman!"

"I'm Rapunzel. You want Juliet – next tower over."

'I'm a perfect little angel while I'm asleep. It's being awake that causes me trouble.'

The life of penguins.

'This is going to be good, he's taking water balloons into the board meeting.'

-'Okay Rebel, find the drugs.' -'Are you kidding? There's dirty underwear here!'

Exit. I never get tired of watching them fall for that.

A hard green shell on the outside doesn't always mean it's chocolaty on the inside.

'The Board's meeting at nine O'clock - you bring the smoke, I'll bring the mirrors.'

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

'How do people without a middle name know when the're in trouble?'

"Actually, Sally, my name isn't Mrs. Santa Claus... It's Barb. I'm not defined by my husband."

"There's corporate me and there's me, and, by God, we both know how to have fun."

"It feeds blood to our brains...and that makes us smarter!"

"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

Happy-Go-Lucky-Father-Of-Two-Avid-Golfer-Longtime-Magnetic-Tape-Salesman-Kiwanis-Member or Thomas Pynchon?

Secret Identity Theft.

'Wellington!...Come take a look at this!...I've never seen anything like it!...Some sort of early sun worship etching perhaps!'

"Doreen, the cat's after the parrot again!"

'My Goodness! All these years George and I never guessed you were a superhero.'

Restroom Practical Joke.

"Sorry, I don't work here."

"I'll tell you my gender if you tell me yours."

"It's cooties."

"Mom is pretty certain I'm on my third guardian angel by now."

How to throw your voice: 'I am guilty. I did it. I confess.'

'Hang on a minute - you're not my husband!'

"Which one more says 'Cool Guy?'"

"It's hard to trust those Beanbirds. They're always 'up' to something!"

"You threw the wrench again, didn't you?"