Minute Manuscript Maker Gifts

"If he doesn't go nuts first, he'll be the first person to ever write a novel on a cell phone."

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Do me next."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"I'm sorry, Walter, but I need room to write."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

Bob woke up in a pile of notes, some scrawled so quickly that no one could decode them. He remembered nothing of the night before, except... yes, a fleeting glimpse of the writer's moon.

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'For God's sake give me some angst, how will I ever write a misery memoir?'

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"Can you rewrite this in 3-D?"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Man has thrown his computer aside and is writing on a typewriter.

"I remembered that time you said you wished you had a biographer."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

"No wonder you can't write, you're not plugged in!"

'This is the shortest autobiography I've ever read!'

'It's a slice of life...I cut a long story short.'

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

Will Self deprecation

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

"Regarding your letter of next Monday ... "

Emergency Firebreaker

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'