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"If he doesn't go nuts first, he'll be the first person to ever write a novel on a cell phone."

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Do me next."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

Bob woke up in a pile of notes, some scrawled so quickly that no one could decode them. He remembered nothing of the night before, except... yes, a fleeting glimpse of the writer's moon.

"I'm sorry, Walter, but I need room to write."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

'For God's sake give me some angst, how will I ever write a misery memoir?'

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

"Can you rewrite this in 3-D?"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Man has thrown his computer aside and is writing on a typewriter.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

"I remembered that time you said you wished you had a biographer."

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

"No wonder you can't write, you're not plugged in!"

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

Emergency Firebreaker

Will Self deprecation

'This is the shortest autobiography I've ever read!'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

'It's a slice of life...I cut a long story short.'

"Regarding your letter of next Monday ... "