Millennial Mavens Gifts

Hairstyle Inspiration

"Guys my age get all their news from 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.'"

Micro Psychiatry Clinic. You have a full schedule today, Doctor. The helium atom will be here to work on his fear of heights. The white blood cell with a germ phobia and amoeba with separation anxiety are coming in. The DNA molecule will be here about an identity crisis. And here, in the sports car, comes a new patient, a carbon-14 isotope. Ah, looks like he's going through a half-life crisis!

Stuff: You Don't Really Need But Still Don't Have.

"I didn't really start applying myself seriously until around the eighth life."

'Surely they're not ALL still in their offices!'

Gym. Check in Here. The only time I feel the burn is when I pay the memberbship fee.

'Even in the mundane tasks, aim for perfection!'

There's a popular new health spa down there. The endorphins are having a blast in aerobics. Antibodies are learning kickboxing and the adrenaline is getting some much needed relaxation in the yoga studio. The only problem is the water molecules. Everybody is concerned about them! What's wrong? They haven't been seen since they went into the sauna!

Ralph Stanley

National Optometrists Association. O.K., whose idea was it to form a focus group?…

'It seems with every year my hot flashes get worse.'

"Gotta go. My ten o'clock is here."

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Tuba Player Stores a Barrel of Beer

'..Can I interest you in our new fragrance - 'Are''

'All those opposed, signify by using the usual sign.'

"Don't worry about being in your 40's - before you know it, you'll be in your 50's!"

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

'I made a list of bikes I want to look at today. You may want to eat before we go, as this may take awhile.'

'Pss-st, Harley-Davidson is up one-and-a-quarter...pass it on.'

"You people make me sick. Nonetheless, here's a little toe-tapper."

Stunning politeness.

"My one-man band is breaking up."

"All you had to do was ASK us to leave!"

"All in favor of toupees, say aye."

RAF Rapidly Approaching Forty

Elton John

'Good grief!! You're here already..?!'

"27 marathons in 27 days - he's no but a show-off!"

'Business has been terrible all right, but I rather think more likely a midlife crisis.'

"Fix it so it'll stream out behind, Pierre. I've been assigned to a motorcycle detail."

"I'm glad I found the time to join this meeting, otherwise we wouldn't see each other in years!"

Napa, Bellevue, McLeon

"No, thanks. I'm in training."