Millennium Maven Gifts

"Good lord, Agnes, the dreaded millennium bug has struck!"

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'

Prepare to meet thy mechanic.

'In memory of our beloved Skippy.'

So Far So Good

"It's nice, but does it have a batcave?"

The Euro.

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"

Jerk Gene

'My crystal ball is in the shop. Pick a fortune cookie.'

'U.S. Manufacturing'

If Other Nations Mourned Like the U.S.

At the Halloween party down there, one fat molecule is dressed as an angel and another as a devil. Makes sense, there are good gars and bad fats. The antibody is wearing a cape. Everybody's been calling him a superhero so he dressed like one. That virus wasn't invited but he sneaked in dressed as the long ranger. He's always showing up where he's not wanted. The ironic thing is the virus is wearing a mask.

Bleak House

'A Connoisseur Examining a Cooper'- George III Inspecting Engraving of Oliver Cromwell

"That metallic grinding means her throwout bearings are shot. She's backfiring through her carburetor. The tick indicates transmission trouble, and the smoke means she's on fire."

'It seems with every year my hot flashes get worse.'

The King and His Real Estate Advisors

"Just what we've been looking for...a happy medium."

'And just how much is silver going for a troy ounce these days?'

"And this one is made of ancient crystals that detoxify the air and remove all the money from your pocket."

The chip - Loyal worker, tireless teacher, friend

Making a pact with the devil at the crossroads.

'It's a gadget for buying gadgets over the net.'

'George, will you please look at me when I'm talking to you?'

"And now, with the projected sales figures..."

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

'If I were you, I'd leave the keys in the ignition and hope someone steals it.'

'You can't win -- I turned the water into wine, and then everybody wanted free refills!'

"And they say this country doesn't make anything anymore!"

Reading the Leaves.

"Don't worry about being in your 40's - before you know it, you'll be in your 50's!"

"Once we get the performance figures in we give them to Mrs Miggins and her magic cauldron to make sense of them!"

"Yes I can read palms and if you don't remove yours from my thigh, you'll be reading my palm with your face!"

"Same thing every morning. Crack of Don at the crack of dawn."