Midlife Queen Gifts

'Listen Buddy! After the hot flushes I've been having this is like a resort!'

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

Rock and Roll

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

The best way to prevent sagging is to keep eating until the wrinkles fall out.

Male Pattern Baldness

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

'I've added a few minutes to that hour glass figure I had in school.'

Tragedy and Remedy.

"Still getting those hot flashes, Margaret?"

'I need my lifestyle validated.'

'But my mom says that 40 is the new 30.'

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I told them to pipe down."

Fables for the Middle-Aged: Goldilocks and the 3 Hairs.

'Don't worry, fifty something is the new thirty something.'

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

Male Mid-Life Myth--The Hair Fairy

'No pep, shaky, noisy, overheating. Right. Anything wrong with the car?'

'She's not 'pushing 40' - she's 'dragging' it!'

"In layman's terms, I just rewound your biological clock."

Same Sexless Marriage

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."