Midlife Queen T-Shirts

'Listen Buddy! After the hot flushes I've been having this is like a resort!'

ZZZZZZZ Top

Middle-Age Superheroes

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

Rock and Roll

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

The best way to prevent sagging is to keep eating until the wrinkles fall out.

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

Male Pattern Baldness

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

'I've added a few minutes to that hour glass figure I had in school.'

Tragedy and Remedy.

"Still getting those hot flashes, Margaret?"

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

'But my mom says that 40 is the new 30.'

'I need my lifestyle validated.'

"This next one's for you, babe."

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I told them to pipe down."

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

Fables for the Middle-Aged: Goldilocks and the 3 Hairs.

'Don't worry, fifty something is the new thirty something.'

Male Mid-Life Myth--The Hair Fairy

How's your midlife crisis going, Al? That turned out to be a false alarm, doctor. Today after a heavy lunch I realized it's just a midriff crisis.

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

'No pep, shaky, noisy, overheating. Right. Anything wrong with the car?'

Same Sexless Marriage

'She's not 'pushing 40' - she's 'dragging' it!'

"In layman's terms, I just rewound your biological clock."