Midlife Partner Gifts

Same Sexless Marriage

"Your contents have shifted."

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

Corporate departments as a metaphor for growing up.

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

Rock and Roll

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"I'm here for the hair."

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

'Unfortunately, there's no cure. It's called growing older.'

We micro-grafted all the hairs from the back of your head to the top and now we've completely covered your bald spot.'

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'Here's your chance to become a legend.'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

Midlife: You Are Here.

Menopause and the City

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"The nest may be empty, but our drinks are full."

"Fill'er up with testosterone."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

"I see myself rising through the ranks of the organization until midlife, when I will most likely hit a wall and go screaming through the door."

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she could deal with her midlife crisis. You should try a radical makeover. When I hit midlife, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, and dropped 75 pounds. My husband barely recognized me when he returned from overseas. He was not happy with my "new self," so I divorced him rather than change who I'd become. It was the best decision I'd made since I cut my thieving mother out

"It seems like only yesterday I was on the verge of getting it all together."

Four years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ Show, our resident octogenarian asked listeners for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Dear Sadie, I was going to suggest you start a YouTube channel to share your advice with younger people. But YouTube just stabbed its content creators in the back. They stopped showing ads on videos discussing anything even remotely controversial. That's going to put so many important voices out of business. So I don't really have an

Tragedy and Remedy.

"Still getting those hot flashes, Margaret?"

Phil at Fifty: Still Trying to Find Himself

Middle age anxiety about leaving the house.

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo