Midlife Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"I don't think your old sports jersey shrunk. I think you grew."

'I suppose they call it 'Middle age' because that is where you age shows...'

"Why bother?"

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

"Do you have any books on releasing the tiger within?"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

"Norman still has seventies flashbacks sometimes."

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

'of course it's not natural: He dyes his mane to cover up his grey hair...'

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

'It's really nothing - Looks like baby boomer age spots.'

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

Whale Pattern Balding

"How's your memory?"

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

"No, I do not live in my parents basement...it's a walk out."

"Tell me this is just your mid-life crisis."

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

'Dang.'

Hits Needed, please click.

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

'It's my prostate.'

'It took a great severance package before I agreed to ride off into the sunset.'

Dad Socks / Dad Sex

You know you're getting old...when your mobile phone rings and you start taking photographs of your ear.

"Good news, we found a plant the cured baldness."

Same Sexless Marriage