Midlife Checkup Pillows

After 50, sex, drugs and rock-n-roll are a luxury!

"I’ve settled comfortably into middle-age while Barry has settled comfortably into Middle Earth."

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

Rock and Roll

'Oh, relax - you're doing great for your age...but I am a little concerned about out computer's old operating system.'

'I refuse to relinquish the title, 'Top Young Exec'.'

"I'm here for the hair."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

"This old bike of mine has sure lost some if its speed over the years."

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

"Double whammy. My weight now exceeds my credit score."

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

Midlife: You Are Here.

"How do you know if you're under the radar or washed up?"

Quick Spring Fling

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

"The nest may be empty, but our drinks are full."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"Remember that, honey? Serious testosterone."

"So what brings you in today?"

"You've come to a fork in the road – age-defying or age-appropriate?"