Midlife Checkup Gifts

After 50, sex, drugs and rock-n-roll are a luxury!

Middle-Age Superheroes

"I’ve settled comfortably into middle-age while Barry has settled comfortably into Middle Earth."

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

'I refuse to relinquish the title, 'Top Young Exec'.'

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

'Oh, relax - you're doing great for your age...but I am a little concerned about out computer's old operating system.'

"I'm here for the hair."

Rock and Roll

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."

"This old bike of mine has sure lost some if its speed over the years."

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"Double whammy. My weight now exceeds my credit score."

Midlife: You Are Here.

"So what brings you in today?"

"You've come to a fork in the road – age-defying or age-appropriate?"

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"The nest may be empty, but our drinks are full."

Menopause and the City

"Remember that, honey? Serious testosterone."

Quick Spring Fling

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

'Look at the bright side -- having a business fail when you're thirty is great preparation for your Midlife Crisis.'