Midlife Health Check Pillows

Erectile Dysfunction Clinic with a drooping sign.

'Your present physical condition reminds me of my 401(K), worth about half of what it once was'

'Well, well, well...'

Middle-Age Superheroes

"I’ve settled comfortably into middle-age while Barry has settled comfortably into Middle Earth."

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'I refuse to relinquish the title, 'Top Young Exec'.'

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

"I'm here for the hair."

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."

The best way to prevent sagging is to keep eating until the wrinkles fall out.

"This old bike of mine has sure lost some if its speed over the years."

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

"Double whammy. My weight now exceeds my credit score."

'Look at the bright side -- having a business fail when you're thirty is great preparation for your Midlife Crisis.'

Midlife: You Are Here.

"You've come to a fork in the road – age-defying or age-appropriate?"

Quick Spring Fling

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"Remember that, honey? Serious testosterone."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"The nest may be empty, but our drinks are full."

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

Menopause and the City

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

You know you're getting older: when your back goes out more often than you do!