Midlife Reassessment Pillows

"To tell you the truth, I never thought downward mobility would be so, well, downward."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"Follow that dream!" (man boarding taxi)

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

"I'm here for the hair."

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

"This car is very fast and very expensive. Just how bad is your midlife crisis?"

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"You used to be that ambitious."

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."

The summer of her 39th year, Eleanor could be found most evenings on a hill (known locally as Robert's Hump) doing aerobics of her own devising.

'Where Are They Now?'

We micro-grafted all the hairs from the back of your head to the top and now we've completely covered your bald spot.'

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

'Here's your chance to become a legend.'

"I'm thinking about letting myself get old."

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, go to hell."

'Let's face it George: we're not spring chickens anymore...'

"Double whammy. My weight now exceeds my credit score."

"Remember that, honey? Serious testosterone."

Getting older is...making noises whenever you bend down or get back up.

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

Midlife: You Are Here.

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'