Mid-life Birthday Gifts

Being a role model for your kids really takes the fun out of middle age.

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

The Philosopher Pine, or, The Eternal Optimist.

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

"One year closer to college!"

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

"I’ve settled comfortably into middle-age while Barry has settled comfortably into Middle Earth."

Gary turns 40.

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"Remember, you're only as old as your peel."

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

Breast Height Chart

'I refuse to relinquish the title, 'Top Young Exec'.'

Do you think I'm sixty?

An old man exercising with hourglasses

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"Careful."

Rock and Roll

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

'I don't think of my skin as saggy...I think of it as relaxed-fit!'

Old Wine in an Old Bottle

"The club scene is really changing."

'Gentlemen, a toast to our 4th fishing trip this year. Perhaps, one day, we'll remember to bring poles, in addition to beer.'

You know you're getting up there in years when your birthday cake requires that extra box of candles....

Broadway Theater coming productions. Look, they're bringing back a production of "Hair" with all the original cast members. It's going to be called "Bald".

"This old bike of mine has sure lost some if its speed over the years."

Aging Problems

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

Attic of hopes and dreams...

The best way to prevent sagging is to keep eating until the wrinkles fall out.

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."