Messy Partner Pillows

"So when, exactly, did you plan on cleaning all this crap up?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

Newborn Chaos

"Apart from that, Bob, what else did you learn on the team-building paintball weekend?"

'The sleepover was great Mum: Timmy's house is a pigsty just like ours...'

Good, but not Great Danes.

"My husband finally taught him to use the toilet but can't convince him to give up kitty litter."

'In our thirty years of marriage she's squirreled away loads of money, but she can't remember where.'

'Oh Sit down again and read your paper!'

'You have to clean it yourself. There is no delete key.'

"My decorating style is more like 'Flung Shui'."

"I thought you were organizing my stuff."

"You're obviously under consideration for something."

"Stop moaning - you'll ruin our weekend away..."

"My ex weighs at least 5 lbs and is 23 inches. He usually hangs around the old dock, and prefers worms. Remember, you didn't hear it from me..."

Face it -- you resent me for the exploring in depth a world that you take for granted.

"Ninety percent of household dust is dried flaky skin."

"Who made this mess?"

"No, I didn't have a tracking chip implanted in you. The reason I know every room you've been in is because I followed your mud trail."

"To motivate me to walk farther, I hired my jerk ex-boyfriend to follow me."

"Quick, make a mess. Company's coming."

'I don't know why you use the lid to this thing. It's so much more fun without it!'

"Harry! You?"

"Hey hon, don't wait up. They too the handcuffs and leather whip away from me at security."

"You can't sleep? Have you tried meditating, then reading for an hour, then going to the couch...."

'I'm not untidy! I know where I have to look for the things I need! My socks are under the livingroom table, my underpants are behind the couch, the shoes are in the bathroom...'

'More dirt=more bubbles!'

"Yo, Angela! The good news is I found your vibrator..."

It's admirable you do your bit to save the planet by wearing green undies, but let's not forget, they weren't green when you bought them!

"Don't even try to talk to me until I've had my moldy coffee filters."

'Doesn't he ever wash these things?'