Messy Breakup Pillows

"To motivate me to walk farther, I hired my jerk ex-boyfriend to follow me."

"Omigod! It's the breakfast I made him for his birthday!"

"What is your ex-wife's job again?"

"My ex weighs at least 5 lbs and is 23 inches. He usually hangs around the old dock, and prefers worms. Remember, you didn't hear it from me..."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

Large Emoticon Collider

The prying mantis,

"I can't believe he brought her."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

Blues artis's daily list

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

"Sorry Darling, you are fabulous, but I'm searching for MY Prince too!"