Messy Breakup Gifts

"To motivate me to walk farther, I hired my jerk ex-boyfriend to follow me."

"What is your ex-wife's job again?"

"My ex weighs at least 5 lbs and is 23 inches. He usually hangs around the old dock, and prefers worms. Remember, you didn't hear it from me..."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

Large Emoticon Collider

The prying mantis,

"I can't believe he brought her."

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

Blues artis's daily list

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

"I lose more girlfriends that way."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"Are you growing that mustache to make me break up with you?"

'I was dumped by my girlfriend.'