Going Through Breakup Gifts

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Large Emoticon Collider

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

Well, if being married isn't grounds for divorce, I'd like to know what is"

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

A man sews broken hearts back together.

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

"And should you get divorced, promise you won't sue me."

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"You've got to learn to let go."

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

"Honestly, I'm not sure I even know who every one of you are anymore."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

"I think we should each try other beers."

A woman buries her broken heart

'I'd like to return this, it turns out my wife bought one last week.'

Outside the Divorce Court.

'Right now I'm on a 'man diet'. No more boyfriends until I lose twenty pounds.'

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

Boyfriend Shirt.

'I couldn't run away with you. I feel I would be depriving a village of its idiot!'

"I need a hug."

"You came back!"

Sleep Clinic. ZZZZZZ. We can tell a lot about somebody's sleep by the sounds they make. This subject is experiencing normal, restful sleep. YYYYYY. He's having fitful sleep because his girlfriend dumped him. MMMMMM. It looks a lot like he's having a dream about a delicious meal. BBBBBB. This gardener is having a nightmare about disturbing a hive. And what's happening here? I think he's look forward to "talk like a pirate day"! RRRRRR.

"I'm leaving and I'm taking your iTunes with me."

"I'm a dish, not a bowl. This was never going to work."

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

"Oh, god. . . not another night at home watching Ingmar Bergman films!"