Mensa Clubber Gifts

"It's the ultimate in smart phones. It's the Mensa phone."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

Brew 'N' Brouhaha

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

The Walk of Shame

A man plays golf by the sea

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

"Do kids eat free?"

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Too much club."

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

"How on earth do you get this blasted box to open...?"

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

Gangsta wrap.

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

"It was a really classy restaurant. The waiters drop the food on the floor for you."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Gorgeous Groovers.

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

Entrance code to MENSA club - 'To enter, simply type in the square root of Pi.'

"No, I'm a transplant."

American Express Credit Card

'He uses the leg rope in the water and she uses it out of the water!'

'It will bring economic benefits to the North and Midlands.'