Mensa Clubber Pillows

"It's the ultimate in smart phones. It's the Mensa phone."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Brew 'N' Brouhaha

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

The Walk of Shame

"Do kids eat free?"

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

A man plays golf by the sea

Sober Tooth Tiger

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

"Too much club."

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

"How on earth do you get this blasted box to open...?"

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

Gangsta wrap.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

"It was a really classy restaurant. The waiters drop the food on the floor for you."

Tomorrow's our first eco club meeting. Yeah, I'm nervous! There are so many big issues!

His master's chill-out album

Gorgeous Groovers.

Entrance code to MENSA club - 'To enter, simply type in the square root of Pi.'

"No, I'm a transplant."

American Express Credit Card

Transylvania Lecture Hall. Tonight Count Dracula will speak about lessons he learned looking back over a long life. I thought vampires didn't reflect.

'He uses the leg rope in the water and she uses it out of the water!'