Medieval Times Gifts

Medieval Social Distancing

Escalator joust.

'We're gonna need a bigger moat...!'

'Have you ever thought of trying contact lenses?'

'I'll calk that hole as soon as the siege is over.'

'Hey! -- Don't go adding disclaimers!'

Early Battering Rams

'I used to have serfs, but I've found that free-range peasants are more efficient.'

"First of all, I would like to express my gratefulness to all those wonderful ancestors of mine who helped to make this glorious day possible."

"What good is power if you don't use it?"

'Sorry fellas can we do this tomorrow I have left my glasses in Warwick.'

"Hey!! Look!!!"

'You idiot! Two is aim, three is fire!'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"You're probably hot and I've gone on too long so I'll end with a story of the great pestilence."

"We've been victorious in many battles, and yet helmet hair remains our fiercest foe."

Clearing the castle's moat.

Soldiers attempt to break into a castle with a credit card.

'Sire, your new fortress was fine for your nephew's fifth, but I fear it is set for a sterner test.'

'I like a man in a suit.'

'Nice to have a door opener.'

"I told you idiots all that chest bumping would get you stuck to each other some day."

Medieval Vacation: 'What? I am relaxed. I'm relaxing!'

In his haste to get onto the battlefield, Sir Richard accidentally put on his suit of Armani

A rare picture of Henry VIII's divorce lawyer.

'Man, that grass looks delicious.'

"It's a shame that she could never put her college degree to use."

'I envisioned something more robust'

"Come and get it! Ha, ha- just kidding."

Battle.

"The siege was yesterday."

Alfred the Great

Knight washes with a rust remover.

"Last chance - take back what you said about my wife."

'Don't worry -- he's a trained professional.'