Medical Quips Gifts

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

Ice Cream Surgeon

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

PSA Banter.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'No, I'm sorry, Danny. I'm afraid your dad won't be able to shoot laser beams from his eyes after surgery.'

"I like when we get organ transplants from New York because they always throw in a dozen bagels."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

You can relax now.

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"I'm Stuck" Proctologist

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

'Doctor please come quick! His fever has gone from medium rare to well done!'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

'You've got dry scalp.'

Bad news for famed author, I. P. Freely, 'Yellow Waterfalls': 'It's your prostate, I.P., It's as big as a baseball.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."