Medical Quips Prints

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

Ice Cream Surgeon

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

PSA Banter.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

World Cup Fever

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

'No, I'm sorry, Danny. I'm afraid your dad won't be able to shoot laser beams from his eyes after surgery.'

"I like when we get organ transplants from New York because they always throw in a dozen bagels."

You can relax now.

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"I'm Stuck" Proctologist

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

'Doctor please come quick! His fever has gone from medium rare to well done!'

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

'You've got dry scalp.'

Bad news for famed author, I. P. Freely, 'Yellow Waterfalls': 'It's your prostate, I.P., It's as big as a baseball.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

The doctor says if it doesn't come out soon, she'll have to induce.

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"