Medical Professional Jokes Gifts

"I'm a dentist but I dabble in noses."

Ice Cream Surgeon

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

PSA Banter.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

'No, I'm sorry, Danny. I'm afraid your dad won't be able to shoot laser beams from his eyes after surgery.'

You can relax now.

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"I like when we get organ transplants from New York because they always throw in a dozen bagels."

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

'You've got dry scalp.'

Bad news for famed author, I. P. Freely, 'Yellow Waterfalls': 'It's your prostate, I.P., It's as big as a baseball.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

Hypochondria Hospital

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"