Medical Professional Jokes Gifts

"I'm a dentist but I dabble in noses."

Ice Cream Surgeon

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

PSA Banter.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

World Cup Fever

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

'No, I'm sorry, Danny. I'm afraid your dad won't be able to shoot laser beams from his eyes after surgery.'

You can relax now.

"I like when we get organ transplants from New York because they always throw in a dozen bagels."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

The doctor says if it doesn't come out soon, she'll have to induce.

'You've got dry scalp.'

'Dr. Federson has performed this procedure so many times, he could do it blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back. Show him, doctor.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

Hypochondria Hospital

Bad news for famed author, I. P. Freely, 'Yellow Waterfalls': 'It's your prostate, I.P., It's as big as a baseball.'