Medical Jokes Gifts

'Don't try getting polite with me!'

Support group for guys with hemorrhoids.

'You need a heart transplant, maybe two.'

"Your prostate is enlarged."

Ice Cream Surgeon

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

PSA Banter.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

Dog forced to return bone

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

World Cup Fever

'No, I'm sorry, Danny. I'm afraid your dad won't be able to shoot laser beams from his eyes after surgery.'

You can relax now.

"I like when we get organ transplants from New York because they always throw in a dozen bagels."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

'You've got dry scalp.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'