Medical Humor Gifts

Eye, ear, nose and throat specialist with owl, rabbit, elephant and giraffe in waiting room.

PSA Banter.

'If you ain't broke, I'll fix it.'

'Who would ever believe this started with a paper cut you kept picking at...'

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

'Hip replacement? He was never hip to begin with.'

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

"Better lay off using the heating pad."

'When it comes to bustin' a kidney stone, the old methods are still the best.'

Patient tangled in IV tubes.

Man bites on stick - "That other painkilling method is of course a lot more expensive."

'The nurse tells me you haven't been swallowing your pills.' (Doctor has harpoon).

'I think that we have discovered the cause of your severe heartburn,'

'When this line goes flat and the beeping stops, call me.'

"Any side effects from the HRT?" "WHAT?"

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'If this ever stops running, just smack it here a bunch of times and it should start right up.'

'Let me explain what i mean about a 'Stool Sample' Mr.Hattnel.'

'Freedom.'

Osteoporosis Clinic

Doctor to man: 'Your kidney stone test came back. You didn't pass.'

'We don't have to anesthetize patients anymore. I just walk in with this and they pass out in a second.'

'I've been under a lot of pressure, lately, doc.'

'We've given you a brain scan and we can't find anything.'

'Your infrastructure needs work.'

"Harry, the glaucoma machine needs adjusting again!"

'You can go home now. We've run out of tests.'

'Oh no, not another blood sample.'

'You have no side effects? We'd better double your dose.'

'You're lucky. In my day the doctor beat you with a stick until your appendix fell out.'

'I'm past the liver, and there's the inflamed gallbladder. ... OK, switch us back to the game...'

'Good morning, here's your placebo, I mean medicine... well, I'm fired.'

"So...I totally botched your surgery, but let's not get bogged down with recriminations and blame. It's time to unify."

'Where's the first-aid kit?'