Doctor Jokes Gifts

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'Dr. Federson has performed this procedure so many times, he could do it blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back. Show him, doctor.'

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

"Yes, I have seen people in worse health than you. But, they were all dead."

'You need a heart transplant, maybe two.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

Oh, good - Looks like the doctor's in.

GP say 10 minute surgery is not long enough

"While I'm not an internist...I'd say you coughed up your small intestines!"

"I'm afraid someone drank your sample."

"Fortunately treatment will be relatively inexpensive since you have the generic form of the disease!"

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

Outingpatient

"A specialist is a doctor with a smaller practice and a bigger home."

GALLSTONE SPECIALIST: This too shall pass

'I'm pretty sure that you have something that is difficult to pronounce.'

"Undress down to your underwear and have a seat. The optometrist will be in shortly."

"I'm a dentist but I dabble in noses."

"Sorry, I had the hiccups."

'You have to chew your food: All this feeding-frenzy business is bad for your digestive system...'

'What's the problem?'

'Perhaps I should clarify. When I told you to drink plenty of fluids...'

Yes, by all means, Mr. Fusco, feel free to seek out a second opinion

"We're not talking this guy anywhere until we change his underwear!"

Man not charged enough for first opinion.

'Our employees are seeing doctors less now we've started hiring quacks.'