Doctor Jokes Prints

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

"Yes, I have seen people in worse health than you. But, they were all dead."

'You need a heart transplant, maybe two.'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

Oh, good - Looks like the doctor's in.

GP say 10 minute surgery is not long enough

"While I'm not an internist...I'd say you coughed up your small intestines!"

"I'm afraid someone drank your sample."

"Fortunately treatment will be relatively inexpensive since you have the generic form of the disease!"

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

Outingpatient

"A specialist is a doctor with a smaller practice and a bigger home."

"Sorry, I had the hiccups."

"I'm a dentist but I dabble in noses."

"Undress down to your underwear and have a seat. The optometrist will be in shortly."

'I'm pretty sure that you have something that is difficult to pronounce.'

GALLSTONE SPECIALIST: This too shall pass

'What's the problem?'

'You have to chew your food: All this feeding-frenzy business is bad for your digestive system...'

Man not charged enough for first opinion.

'Our employees are seeing doctors less now we've started hiring quacks.'

'Take that back! - Gynecologists aren't EITHER sissies!'

"We're not talking this guy anywhere until we change his underwear!"

'The nurse tells me you haven't been swallowing your pills.' (Doctor has harpoon).