Doctor Joke Aficionado Prints

GP say 10 minute surgery is not long enough

Lactose Intolerant

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Happy Birthday to you.

Dog forced to return bone

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'Time for your pills.'

"She keeps getting a stitch in her side."

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

'Long shift?'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

"Gross."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

Why you shouldn't date an anesthesiologist.

"Turn your head and cough."

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

"It appears your anus transplant has rejected you..."

"Darn it, lost another swab."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"No, your tonsils are fine. It's all the rest of you that's knackered!"

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

'I think we should cut back on the tranquilizers.'

Mobile Operations Stand.

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'It's your four basic food groups.'