Doctor Joke Aficionado Prints

GP say 10 minute surgery is not long enough

Lactose Intolerant

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

Happy Birthday to you.

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Dog forced to return bone

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'Time for your pills.'

"Gross."

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

Operating Room Humor. Why are anesthesiologists assumed to be honest? Because numb-ers don't lie!

"She keeps getting a stitch in her side."

'Long shift?'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

"Turn your head and cough."

Why you shouldn't date an anesthesiologist.

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

Mobile Operations Stand.

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"It appears your anus transplant has rejected you..."

"No, your tonsils are fine. It's all the rest of you that's knackered!"

"Darn it, lost another swab."

'I think we should cut back on the tranquilizers.'

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'