Funny Doctor Jokes Prints

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Dr. Federson has performed this procedure so many times, he could do it blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back. Show him, doctor.'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'You need a heart transplant, maybe two.'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"I'm Dr. Fenton. I'll be performing your microsurgery today."

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

Oh, good - Looks like the doctor's in.

"While I'm not an internist...I'd say you coughed up your small intestines!"

"I'm afraid someone drank your sample."

GP say 10 minute surgery is not long enough

'85% recover with no complications, 60% of the remaining 15% will have a slower recovery rate, and the remaining 40% of the 15% may need additional treatment.'

"Fortunately treatment will be relatively inexpensive since you have the generic form of the disease!"

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

Outingpatient

"I'm a dentist but I dabble in noses."

"Undress down to your underwear and have a seat. The optometrist will be in shortly."

'What's that noise?'

"A specialist is a doctor with a smaller practice and a bigger home."

'I'm pretty sure that you have something that is difficult to pronounce.'

"Ah-ah-ah! - Just one symptom per customer!"

'You have to chew your food: All this feeding-frenzy business is bad for your digestive system...'

'What's the problem?'

'I'm going to give you a mood altering drug. Then I'm going to give you my bill.'

"We're not talking this guy anywhere until we change his underwear!"

'I have another doctor, but I like your magazines better.'

'Take that back! - Gynecologists aren't EITHER sissies!'

'Perhaps I should clarify. When I told you to drink plenty of fluids...'

'The nurse tells me you haven't been swallowing your pills.' (Doctor has harpoon).