Joke Doctor Gifts

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

Lactose Intolerant

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

Virtual Doctor

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

Cardiologist Henry Weil like to add some levity before surgery by hiding a whoopee cushion on the operating table.

'Dr. Federson has performed this procedure so many times, he could do it blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back. Show him, doctor.'

Hypochondria Hospital

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

There aren't any serious side effects — just an occasional Elvis sighting.

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

Heart Rate, Respiration, Insurance Remaining.

'Two scalpels and a nurses hat are missing...'

Why dogs are not hired to do bone scans

Patients with HMO dread anesthesia.

I like a lot of witnesses around.

Be careful how you unwrap it I think it MIGHT be his stool sample!

"I'm Dr. Fenton. I'll be performing your microsurgery today."

Patient charts

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

Tinnitus.

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

Chiropodist is wearing a gas mask while treating a client.

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mister Kane...You've got 'Shingles'.'

"It's weeder's elbow."

'We may as well make use of you.'

'Good grief. I think your body rejected your cornea transplant.'