Medical Banter Enthusiast Gifts

"How do I get Nurse Jenkins to stop saying 'I told you so'?"

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"I think it stopped breathing."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Happy Birthday to you.

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

"Gross."

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

Operating Room Humor. Why are anesthesiologists assumed to be honest? Because numb-ers don't lie!

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."