Meal Slayer Gifts

'Where're you going?' - 'Off to have your sausages carbon dated.'

'Now, keep in mind that these numbers are only as accurate as the fictitious data, ludicrous assumptions and wishful thinking they're based upon!'

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

Rock On

'I was wondering, Mr. Hartwelder, if I could be paid in money rather than stock options?'

Your computer is not fully protected...

Zika: War on Mosquitoes

"I have a strong personal commitment to dinner."

Rudy, please help me distract level 2 of my video game. Distract? I have no problem with level 1. But as soon as I get past it. I face this super-powerful monster. I can't defeat it. It's so mean, and ... oh no, here it comes! Where? No more playing or talking about video games. Go outside and do something real! I'll never make it to level 3. You'll never make it to your teens.

Medicine.

"We have to develop a new way to build our customer base. Antispam software has put a dent in our marketing strategy."

Unsubscribe-A-Mole

'Yes, I'm gaining weight! Deleting spam all morning makes me really hungry for lunch!'

Performance anxiety lessons, the more you practice something.

"After a long day at school, it's nice just to come home, kick back and outrun a horde of bloodthirsty zombies."

"Anything but a head shot only angers an attorney."

'Good morning. You have twelve million terabyte unread e-mails.'

"I'm looking for something with low clearance. Something monsters won't be able to get under."

How to Get Rid of All the Snow

'OK that's ten pieces of silver each, except for Judas...you had the Greek salad and the cheese platter, so you owe thirty pieces of silver.'

Internet crap.

"Your sermon had everyone at rapt attention. Good move cutting the church WiFi."

"I thought I told you not to drink your milk."

"I said, 'How's the trial separation going for you?'"

'I think I can...'

'You have too much salt in your diet.'

'Your presentation left them open-mouthed. Every one of them was yawning!'

'This will kill the spores.'

'Faster Grace, it's gaining on you!'

'Another ad for penis-enlargement.'

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Let me handle him okay?

"Francine, I think maybe our relationship is starting to get a little too heavy."