Sermon Slayer Gifts

"Your sermon had everyone at rapt attention. Good move cutting the church WiFi."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Church: Open Sundays

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

"Buy stock in a college?...I don't think you can...but why would we?"

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

'The pastor is the one who tells all the kids to be quiet and sit down.'

"...lettuce pray."

Rudy, please help me distract level 2 of my video game. Distract? I have no problem with level 1. But as soon as I get past it. I face this super-powerful monster. I can't defeat it. It's so mean, and ... oh no, here it comes! Where? No more playing or talking about video games. Go outside and do something real! I'll never make it to level 3. You'll never make it to your teens.

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

Medicine.

Zika: War on Mosquitoes

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"I stopped believing in free will when I had my lawyer write mine."

'I'm not going to bore you with a long sermon to-day - here's one I recorded earlier...'

Unsubscribe-A-Mole

"After a long day at school, it's nice just to come home, kick back and outrun a horde of bloodthirsty zombies."

"Anything but a head shot only angers an attorney."

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

"The long prayer peek."

"It's not that we consider ourselves holier than others just because we choose to sit in the front row."

"I don't know how he does it. He preaches entire sermons without using the words like, cool or awesome."

Church sign.

'More options!'

Doug Coe

Performance anxiety lessons, the more you practice something.

"I'm looking for something with low clearance. Something monsters won't be able to get under."