Sermon Slayer Gifts

"Your sermon had everyone at rapt attention. Good move cutting the church WiFi."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

Church: Open Sundays

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

"Buy stock in a college?...I don't think you can...but why would we?"

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

"...lettuce pray."

Medicine.

Zika: War on Mosquitoes

'The pastor is the one who tells all the kids to be quiet and sit down.'

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"I stopped believing in free will when I had my lawyer write mine."

'I'm not going to bore you with a long sermon to-day - here's one I recorded earlier...'

Unsubscribe-A-Mole

"I don't know how he does it. He preaches entire sermons without using the words like, cool or awesome."

"It's not that we consider ourselves holier than others just because we choose to sit in the front row."

Performance anxiety lessons, the more you practice something.

Church sign.

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

"Anything but a head shot only angers an attorney."

"After a long day at school, it's nice just to come home, kick back and outrun a horde of bloodthirsty zombies."

'More options!'

Doug Coe

"The long prayer peek."

"I'm looking for something with low clearance. Something monsters won't be able to get under."

'Oh for crying out loud, so there's a spider in the bathtub!!'