Married Hilarity Gifts

"No, I don't write notes excusing husbands from household chores!"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"You call that worrying?"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"No heroic measures."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"