Marriage Warriors Gifts

'Everytime I kiss him he says he can't breathe.'

"And do you both agree to lower your expectations so this marriage will at least have a fighting chance?"

"Get me this! Get me that! Get me..."

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"I have been happily married... three times!"

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

Competitiveness in Ancient Times

A Successful Wedding Party Returns From the Hunt

'How long have you two been married?'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

Mixed Marriage: Downhill Racer.

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."

"At last they paid off their sub-prime fairy-tale and lived happily ever after."

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

"To be honest I'd rather make love not war, but my chat-up lines are terrible."

"Yeah, well it hurts when you stab me with your words."

"Take your mother for example. She's not much to look at, but she's darn handy with the cookware."

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

"Zoom says we have connectivity issues..."

'Every weekend he's off hunting with his buddies! I never see him!!!'

'I said it's our wedding day you idiot!'

"We were about to get a divorce, but we decided instead to go with the U.N. Peacekeepers."

"I figured, better the devil you know."

"Not on my watch..."

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

Tunnel of love

"Well, I think there's more to life than having a terrific backhand."

"Is there room for me?"

Just Married