Newlywed Warriors Gifts

Just Married

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

Mom, there's a simple explanation for this...Aliens from outer space.

'Stop pulling that silly face, Dear.'

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

"But if I don't break stuff who will?"

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

"I can't wait to introduce you to all the people I used to be friends with, before I started spending all my time with you."

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Take my advice kid. Enjoy yourself now, because once you get married, your free ranging days are over.'

'Beware of teething baby.'

"Isn't us talking about how I would never take a ballroom dancing class an activity we're doing together?"

Buggy with Snowplow.

'You should have seen the one that got away!'

"Maybe I'm not the best choice to ask if your silly wife cartoons are funny!"

Cheap amusement with... THE HAPPY COUPLE!

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

'Hey, Dad. We learned all about the Kama Sutra at school today... Oh no, not the Kama Sutra, I mean The Magna Carta.'

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

Woman feeding baby is covered in food.

"Ok, I get it, you're happy and you know it. Now quit clapping."

"Good luck Mr. Bond, you have one minute to diffuse this tantrum."

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

Competitiveness in Ancient Times

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

A Successful Wedding Party Returns From the Hunt

...If sauce has not begun to thicken after 10 minutes, pour contents back into can and wait for your wife to get home.

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

"Marriage and relationships?...That would be under 'Arts and Science'!"

"Does it say 'I'm ovulating'?"

'You were right, Mum - he only wants me for one thing!'

"You can count on my unloading the dishwasher in any number of alternate timelines. Now whether it occurs in this one..."