Marriage Warriors Pillows

'Everytime I kiss him he says he can't breathe.'

"And do you both agree to lower your expectations so this marriage will at least have a fighting chance?"

"Get me this! Get me that! Get me..."

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

Competitiveness in Ancient Times

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"I have been happily married... three times!"

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

A Successful Wedding Party Returns From the Hunt

'How long have you two been married?'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Mixed Marriage: Downhill Racer.

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."

"At last they paid off their sub-prime fairy-tale and lived happily ever after."

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

"Yeah, well it hurts when you stab me with your words."

'Every weekend he's off hunting with his buddies! I never see him!!!'

"Zoom says we have connectivity issues..."

"To be honest I'd rather make love not war, but my chat-up lines are terrible."

"We were about to get a divorce, but we decided instead to go with the U.N. Peacekeepers."

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

"Not on my watch..."

"I figured, better the devil you know."

"Well, I think there's more to life than having a terrific backhand."

Just Married

Bridezilla

James and Sarah had no chance of sex with antibiotic resistant gonorrhea keeping them apart

"Is there room for me?"

'I've been married to your sister for 9 years, so why should I be scared of you?'