Marriage Guru Gifts

"I feel like Doris is divorcing me for all the wrong reasons."

"Look, there is no right and wrong here, but I'm going to side with Helen because I'm a girl."

"You're home, dear—that's the main thing."

'I drink because I can't stand my wife since she got fat'...'I comfort eat because I can't stand living with a lousy alcoholic.'

'Darling! There's a man at the door who wants to know if we're happily married... What shall I tell him?'

"Your wife is in overly critical condition."

Personal Relationship Counsellor

'Hey! It's about time you nagged these wilting plants!'

We can't have a 5050 marriage, Andrew, my agent gets 10

'My wife, I worship the ground she walks on.' - 'Her father owns the property, right?'

A bird is kicked out of the birdhouse by his wife.

'I'm worried about Reggie's health...he's still as fit as a flea.'

The Silent Treatment

"Marriage and relationships?...That would be under 'Arts and Science'!"

"The secret to a long marriage is that you should never go to bed angry."

"Couples therapy is not 'going out', Henry!"

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'You know too much!'

Frank was certain his Bird of Paradise mating dance would press all the right buttons with Margaret.

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."