Wedding Guru Gifts

The Uber Wedding Planner: 'Ok, we're almost there...we just need a clarification on the whether the 'till death do us part' clause is meant literally or figuratively.'

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'The meaning of communinication is the response we get'

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

"You may now kiss the bride..."

'Now I kinda wish we had planned a bigger wedding.'

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

'Yes, I do have some ideas for the wedding! We could fly in on jet packs, say our vows on a bridge over a piranha pool with you in a white bikini, hold the reception in a casino and honeymoon in a secret underground bunker!'

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

Frank was certain his Bird of Paradise mating dance would press all the right buttons with Margaret.

'You know too much!'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."

" ... and peace be with you, although not likely."

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

Relationship Warning Lights

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

"I think we'd make a good team!"

$1: Family Secrets

"As this is a civil ceremony, I'd rather you took the vows without swearing."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'