Marriage Guru Pillows

"I feel like Doris is divorcing me for all the wrong reasons."

"Look, there is no right and wrong here, but I'm going to side with Helen because I'm a girl."

"You're home, dear—that's the main thing."

'I drink because I can't stand my wife since she got fat'...'I comfort eat because I can't stand living with a lousy alcoholic.'

'Darling! There's a man at the door who wants to know if we're happily married... What shall I tell him?'

"Your wife is in overly critical condition."

Personal Relationship Counsellor

'Hey! It's about time you nagged these wilting plants!'

We can't have a 5050 marriage, Andrew, my agent gets 10

'My wife, I worship the ground she walks on.' - 'Her father owns the property, right?'

A bird is kicked out of the birdhouse by his wife.

'I'm worried about Reggie's health...he's still as fit as a flea.'

The Silent Treatment

"Marriage and relationships?...That would be under 'Arts and Science'!"

"The secret to a long marriage is that you should never go to bed angry."

"Couples therapy is not 'going out', Henry!"

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'The meaning of communinication is the response we get'

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

Relationship Warning Lights

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."